There are usually two different things at play with the feeling of loneliness. Many times we feel alone and sad because we’ve become isolated and sometimes the feeling comes from thinking we’re the only one that’s in this particular place in life. I’m here to help you see that you’re NOT ALONE. Remember loneliness is a feeling that we can probably change with our thinking or by making some different decisions.
So how do we get through this?
One thing to consider is that when we decide we’re the only one that thinks this way or has this issue the more we try to hide who we really are. We then feel more alone and try to hide more. It becomes a circle and we can’t find the exit. Let’s change it!
- Stop hiding
- Be real
- Reach up
- Reach back
- We need to stop and look at where we’re at. Try to take the emotional components out of it and evaluate where you are. Carefully reflect on how you got to this place. I say carefully because it’s easy to blame parents, siblings, bosses and a host of other people, but if we stop at “blame,” we’re stuck there. Don’t let yourself get stuck in resentments and bitterness. Remember that, although they may have helped you get to this place of loneliness the decision to remain in this space was yours. Maybe it could serve to make you stronger and wiser. I know for me, that many setbacks in my life have been for the best. Michael Jr. (comedian) says, “His setback became his setup.” My setbacks and struggles have made me who I am today. We don’t grow without adversity and struggle. There are many examples of this in God’s creation like the tree and the butterfly. Without wind the tree does not get strong. Without struggling to open its wings the butterfly becomes stunted and cannot fly.
- So let’s be real. Let’s be honest with ourselves about our choices and reaction. Do I pretend to be one kind of person at work, a different person with my family and yet another type of personality with my peers? It’s natural to adjust our behavior to accommodate our circumstances. When I’m at a concert I’m loud and rambunctious but I’m not obnoxious anywhere because that’s not who I am. I’m subdued in church and dress a little nicer but I’m not faking my smile or pretending to be nice, it’s genuinely who I am. There have been times in my life when I would fake a good smile or laugh when I was hurting but those were temporary coping mechanisms to get me through. There is always a small group of people who know exactly what’s going on with me because I will not hide from them. Ask God to give you a group that you can completely be yourself with. The danger is using our defenses and coping skills when we don’t need them anymore or overusing them when we really need to cry and ask for help. Being real is not being perfect or what you think someone expects from you. It’s being yourself despite the temporary feelings. It’s what you believe about the world, other people and faith. Who do you admire and why? What are the morals and values you will not compromise? Feeling come and go but who you are should be constant.
If you’re not sure who you are without your feelings, resentments and other people that’s a great place to start. Life is not a moment, there is no trick, quick answer, life really is a journey. It’s a journey of discovery and exploration, testing limits or testing the waters. We have all had to decide who we want to be with the natural skills and gifts God gave us.
- Reach up. Find someone you want to be like or someone that you connect with that can help you figure some things out. Most people genuinely want to share what they’ve learned. Reaching up is not always about age but it helps that it’s someone who has already been where you are. There isn’t a map but someone has probably already made a path and can give you direction. They can tell you what worked for them and what they wish they hadn’t tried. You’ll be able to see that it’s possible to get to the other side of things.
- Reach back because there is someone like you, desperately wanting to receive the same help you got. You will be surprised by the gratification you’ll receive from giving to others. You’ll also be shocked at how far you’ve come. The journey of life is crowded with people at every stage. There is someone you can help and there is someone who wants to help you.
You are not alone. It will require a decision and effort. Find a group, a community that you want to associate with. Something you want to be a part of. They say that you are the company you keep. There is a lot of truth to that so choose wisely. You will become and think more and more like the people you spend time with and outsiders will view you in the same light whether you are like them or not. Then – SHOW UP.
Never underestimate the power of showing up. You’ll get to know people (slowly at first), then you’ll start getting involved, they will start to know you more and more. Before you know it the group you joined will become your group, your tribe, your support and a place that you can begin to support others because you’re not alone.