Insights

woman, girl, freedom-591576.jpg

Grief: How Should I Grieve?

There is no wrong way to grieve.  Let yourself grieve however you need to and for as long as you need to.

Grief is probably one of the largest and most difficult topics to discuss.  Even writing this triggers some sadness.  To grieve or not to grieve?  I would rather stuff it all down but I know from experience it will cause a gasket to blow and that causes a lot more damage than letting it just happen.  Many times it has felt like I was holding my breath and then – exhale.  It’s a tangible relief.  I used to think there were seven stages of grief that we all went through, then you let it go and move on.  Simple, one and done!  Life really is a great teacher and it taught me that no two people grieve the same.  Every person is different making every relationship different, therefore we all grieve differently.

Make the choice to let yourself grieve however you feel best and for as long as you need to.  After losing my dad I discovered I will probably never move on even after the hard pains of grief have subsided.  Moving on, to me, is forgetting it or getting past it so you don’t feel any way about it.  I will always miss my dad and feel sadness that he’s gone or happy because of memories I still have.

I’ve let go of some of the anger I had for myself and the regrets but missing him will continue.  It’s okay.  It makes sense to miss someone so intertwined in your life but the deep sadness and pain should be given permission to subside and fade.  I still feel it from time to time but I’m usually remembering something good or funny instead of the day he left or the things unsaid.  You’re not forgetting that person or disrespecting them.  We do have to move forward in life because it doesn’t stop for anything.

Perspective makes all of the difference.  It helps heal the wound.  As you exhale and feel the feelings, you’re going to be okay and from experience I know you will stop crying – eventually.

Here are some of the steps I went through, I hope it helps and encourages you.

REGRET

Regret was an emotion I didn’t expect at all.  I was a good kid, loved my dad and there were seasons in life when we were best buds.  It was weird stuff I wished I had done or should have said.  Like why did we argue over something dumb five years ago?  Why didn’t I call him more?  Why didn’t I listen more?  I call these things weird because life is finite.  I cannot be everything to everyone and he understood that.  So I forgave myself for not being more than I can be.

ACCEPTANCE

Accept what was, accept what is.  It was a shock but I slowly began to live out the new normal.  I was careful not to make big decisions if I didn’t have to.  I just kept putting one foot in front of the other until one day I didn’t have to think about it.

 EXPRESS IT

Cry, laugh, and scream whenever you need to.  Try not to scare others around you but let go of your expectations of how it should be or when it will hit you.  It hit me in random ways at random times.  Sometimes I’d have to just excuse myself and walk away for a few to work through whatever feeling struck.

PERSPECTIVE

Perspective really comforts.  When I got past some of the intense moments I focused on the good things, the good memories and his great character traits.  There is always something to be grateful for.

STUFF

There are many things we grieve.  I have written a lot about losing a person but I have experienced grief over a lost job, a pet, a way of life.  Any big changes or even something good that is new can also trigger grief in various degrees.  I’ve found that when I can identify the emotion or mood as grief it’s a lot easier to deal with.  I’m thinking that your transition from child to adult can bring grief.  You’re going through a lot of big changes and your childhood has passed.  Allow yourself to grieve what has been lost and try to embrace what’s coming.

God made us with feelings and He understands them better than we do.  He can help you through the pain, just ask Him.  Try not to use your feelings to make decisions but by all means feel the feels.  The scar will remain because we loved and we made memories.  We connected with someone so much it hurts, what a gift.  The scar can make us stronger as we move forward or we can keep the open wound alive by ignoring it.  I hope you chose to grieve.

 

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *